You’re a Planet

With families, I often share a well-loved metaphor. A family is like a solar system: each planet has its own orbit and gravitational pull, allowing the whole system to successfully stay in balance. If anyone one planet experiences some changes, the whole family feels it. One change can send ripples through the whole system, which can lead to anything from a bumpy orbit to a planet spinning off into space.

Have you ever felt like one family member’s change (maybe they started drinking more heavily, or began a new stressful job, or moved on to college) affected you in ways you couldn’t have predicted? And that sort of ping-ponged throughout your family? That’s how a system works.

Families like stability and predictability. Family members are organized into a form that works (enough, at least) for everyone. When that system changes, individual family members feel it and sometimes display unusual or new behaviors or feelings, with the underlying intent to return to homeostasis.

Two parents who are arguing might suddenly see their kiddo acting out. Sure, there’s stress on the child likely causing a difficulty in emotion regulation. But that child’s behavior also will likely lead to the parents focusing on their child, instead of the conflict between them. The system was spinning in uncomfortable directions, the child makes that known, pulls the parents in towards them, and the result is a more stable (though not necessarily healthy) system.

In family therapy, it’s important to recognize that one person’s changes in behavior might be a symptom of a system that has experienced stress. It’s not that one person that is the problem. To mix metaphors: they might be the leak in the pipe, but they are an indication that the foundation of the house has shifted.

Take a moment to reflect about your own family. In what ways has your family system shifted? Who in your family is showing the “symptoms” of this change? Does this way of thinking change your perspective about your family and that individual? If you were the person living out your family’s problems, what was that like for you?

In family therapy, we work on finding a new homeostasis for the family. It’s hard work, but your family’s health is worth it.