When You Feel Lost as a Parent
Parenting is HARD. I think what makes it so hard is the swirling cyclone of our own histories and emotions, the love we have for our kids, and our worries about their futures, all while they know how to drive us up a wall better than anyone… and we still have to get them to gymnastics or soccer. And I get it. I really get it. I am a much different therapist since becoming a parent. Those complicated reward systems, the instructions to be consistent, the practice, the routines… those can be seriously hard to implement.
I know I’m in the weeds as a parent when the weekends wear me out more than the weekdays, and I linger in my car in the driveway a little longer than usual. Or I’m more irritable and snappy, and my child doing normal child things is like nails on a chalkboard. Is this just me? Y’all, I know it’s not just me. You might have different clues that your cup is empty, but it happens to all of us.
Here are the places I usually recommend parents either start or go back to. These are essentials to building positive relationships with your kids.
Take Care of Yourself
Look, I know it’s hard to do. And I know you’ve heard it a million times. You will not be able to regulate your own emotions when your tween tells you everything you do is wrong, or your toddler refuses all foods they loved yesterday, if you are running on empty. A regulated parent is a parent that’s modeling good emotional tools to their kids. It doesn’t have to be a bubble bath, but it does need to be regular and sustainable to do long-term.
Have Realistic Expectations of Yourself
You are not the perfect parent, and you won’t ever be! You might yell sometimes, or say something hurtful, or walk away when your child needs a hug. You might not have it in you to play tea party at the end of the day or perfectly implement the instagram gentle parenting strategies. It’s ok. If you hold yourself to unrealistic expectations, you’re going to end up feeling ashamed when you inevitably don’t meet them. Please have compassion on yourself, and remember that your kids need to see imperfection waaayyy more than they need the perfect parent. And, if you’re compassionate with yourself, you’ll be way more able to extend that to your kids.
Get More Excited
I love “reward systems” with the purpose to help parents notice all the ways their kids are trying. It positively impacts both of you— you feel excited about all the things you’re noticing, your kiddo feels proud, and you’re connecting more. Make it a point to put a marble in a (small) jar every time your child does anything you enjoy— even if you think it should be something they do automatically. Maybe they say “please,” or help with the dishes. Maybe they play with the dog, or stick with a school project that they find boring, or you see them say something kind to a friend. Put a marble in the jar! Be generous with the marbles. When that jar is full, celebrate both of you!
Increase One-on-One Time
Spending time with your child is the ultimate gift to them. It shows them you enjoy being with them, and that they matter to you. It helps with emotion regulation and your relationship. You don’t have to spend hours every day with them, but carving out a little time regularly goes a long way. When I was a teenager, I could not stand talking about anything serious with my mom (very developmentally appropriate, by the way), but we would sit in a coffee shop once a week and work on a crossword puzzle together. If you have a younger kid and you don’t like to play, find something that you both enjoy— riding a bike, drawing, learning about ocean animals, and baking are some ideas. If you have more than one child, then each needs one-on-one time of their own with each parent. That’s a lot, but it’s ok to fit it in as you can (and have realistic expectations of yourself!).